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Active Baby Boomers

Should Grandma Come Live With You?

Sometimes we decide upon a course of action without thinking, or because it is an idealized view of the way things “ought” to be. The decision to have a grandparent move into the family home definitely belongs in this category. We have an image of the grandparents sitting around the fireplace in the evening regaling their grandchildren with stories of the way life used to be. And, the children will be enthralled. There won’t be extra work because the grandparents will jump to help in all ways, always.

 

Who are we as adult children thinking of when we dream about this perfect uniting of the generations? What kind of message does this send to the grandparents, the older adults who raised us? Over a period of several years of an intergenerational program, I asked elementary age children how they would describe their relationship with their grandparents. They confirmed what we thought – they are the cookie bakers, the storytellers, the babysitters, there to teach us how to fish. They also told me about the problems when they visited with their less well grandparents, and how the children had to be quiet around them. What can happen to this relationship of nurturing and excitement, or tiptoeing and caution, when the grandparents move into their home? We all know someone who has made this move and wished he hadn’t. The adult children may feel constrained and frustrated by the lack of privacy. The grandchildren get impatient and may stop having friends come over. The grandparents themselves may feel as though they have lost their place in the family, or at least their ability to make their own daily decisions.

 

Our belief is that we all deserve dignity and respect. Each of us wants a sense of control over our life, a feeling of independence, and a social role or belief that we matter within our community. If you as the adult child decide that Grandma must come to live in your home, the message no longer is one of independence and control. Now perhaps the message is that she needs your help, and that you don’t believe she can be alone. No matter what the grandparents’ need, whether a physical limitation, a diagnosis of a dementia such as Alzheimer’s Disease, or a financial need, the grandparents are our parents. We must not say, as you have heard or read, “I’m now the parent of my parents.” You indeed may be the one to make the tough decisions, but you must also do this in a way that preserves their role and dignity. Grandparents are special people with a rich history who can continue to teach us!

If you decide to have the grandparents move into your home, here are a few suggestions and questions to ask yourself:
¨ Make sure you and the grandparents talk about this; write down the concerns each of you have and problem solve together, perhaps even with a third party.
¨ Did they have a habit, when you were growing up, that bothered you? Well, with normal aging their salient characteristic becomes even more so! How will you handle this?
¨ First, try it. Have them come visit for an extended period, maybe a month.
¨ If you move them in, away from their own community of friends and social support, will that role fall upon you?

If there is a short term memory loss disorder:
¨ Will the grandchildren be a source of confusion and distress to them?
¨ Will you be able to install safeguards that will give them the protected environment they require without restricting the grandchildren?
¨ Will there be sufficient stimulation for them?
¨ Are you willing to change your schedule to be there when supervision is necessary, even if it means sacrificing time you would have spent attending your children’s events?

If you decide that your home is not best for the grandparents, and you do choose another option, please keep in mind that there are numerous ways to remain involved and demonstrate love and caring. Regardless of your decision, the ultimate goal is to show the grandparents the respect and dignity they deserve.